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EPISODE 4: WHO YOU GONNA CALL?

Previously, on A Confederacy of Dunces:

I received two calls over the course of a couple of weeks, ostensibly from American Express, telling me an unauthorized purchase of firearms had been made on a card in my name that I didn’t know I had. Given the serious nature of this situation, I was connected both times to the New York Office of the FBI. There, FBI Special Agents told me that a bank account in my name had been receiving millions of dollars from fraudulent activities and told me I was a suspect in the criminal network. I was given directions on how to cooperate with the ongoing investigation, with increasingly “or else”s. I was on my third Special Agent, when communication suddenly ceased. I decided to go in person to the Seattle Office of the FBI.

CONSTITUTIONAL MUSINGS

I can tell you that throughout these months of intended or unintended intimidation by alleged Federal law enforcement agents, I interpreted what was going on in my own little world through the lens of the current political climate in the country. In March, I attended the No Kings rally up on Capitol Hill. I wondered: am I being targeted for my political beliefs? I made a point of informing my FBI Special Agent overlord that I was exercising my First Amendment rights prior to participating. Did my semi-private contempt for the actions of the FBI Director in the last year provide motivation for trickle down retribution that has become the hallmark of this administration? I began to read up on Fourth Amendment rights. I certainly cannot pretend to be an attorney or a constitutional scholar, but felt that whatever “process” this was, was outside the scope of accepted law and law enforcement. The Fourth Amendment states: “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.” The requirements being imposed on me felt like a violation of those rights. And then there is this whole notion that we (used to) take for granted: that a person is innocent until proven guilty. I learned that that is not a Constitutional guarantee, but the concept—known as the presumption of innocence—is a fundamental American right. It is deeply embedded in American law through the Fifth Amendment and Fourteenth Amendment Due Process Clauses. Perhaps the saddest part of this contemplative exercise on my part was the fact that this was my mindset under the presumption that what was going on was a legitimate law enforcement action.

Where we left off in my story was at a point where I had stopped hearing from my cadre of FBI Special Agents after a period of three months. It was finally becoming clear that despite the elaborate setup and execution: this was a ruse.

I rode the light rail to downtown Seattle, and made my way to the local FBI offices on Third Avenue. For those of you who haven’t had the need or the occasion to speak visit the FBI office, as at all Federal offices these days, you are screened. I stood in the small entryway of the nondescript building, and through the glass windows I could see the security guards in their booth. Via intercom, I told them I was there to speak with FBI personnel, and the guard asked many questions about who I was and why I wanted to see the FBI. Then I waited. Eventually, the guard came out. I thought it was to screen my bag through the x-ray machine; but he came out to suggest I skip trying to do a face-to-face because “they were really busy.” Instead, he gave me a printout of contact information for IC3, the Internet Crime Complaint Center. I was very disappointed. But when I made it back to Wallingford, I went online and dutifully filled out their standard form for reporting a perceived crime. The guard at the FBI offices thought that it might receive some traction because it involved people masquerading as FBI Agents. He also affirmed that the email addresses associated with my Microsoft Teams interactions were confirmation of a ruse, as they were Outlook addresses. (Is there a reason that the bad guys always seem to rely on Microsoft products?)

After I filed my complaint with IC3, I began composing this story for Wallyhood. I knew it would take a lot of ‘splaining to attempt to convey the convoluted complexity of what now appeared to be a total fabrication. I thought perhaps that by the time I reached the end of my tale, I might have heard back from someone in the FBI or Department of Justice regarding this story. Sadly, as of this writing, I have not.

I still do not know what the people who posed as American Express representatives and FBI Agents were trying to do. As I’ve mentioned, I did not reveal any more personal information than they apparently already had. This leads me to believe that it was maybe a very elaborate mining operation, to obtain in-depth details to embellish a stolen identity. But I can’t say for sure.

As I tried to relate along the way, there were key junctures where I should have been able to reveal the operation as a ruse, a charade. Here is a list of my “should haves”:

• I should have hung up on the “American Express Fraud Department” and dialed Amex directly and asked to be connected to the actual fraud department.
• Rather than rely on “Amex” forwarding my case and my call to Federal authorities, I should have called the New York Office of the FBI directly and ask to be connected to whatever special agent I had been told I was dealing with.
• I should have looked behind the Microsoft Teams text exchanges to see the source email addresses. That would have shown that they were not official U.S. Government addresses.
• I should have followed my initial instincts to check in with the local FBI office early on. That, too, would have ended the escapade where it was.

There were many so-called off-ramps that I could have taken, but for one reason or another, I did not. Don’t be like I was; be as skeptical as all get out, as they say. It’s a jungle out there.

Coincidentally, or at least, interestingly, Time magazine recently published an article by an airline pilot, Ryan Pettit, who was similarly duped by a sophisticated scam. As was the case in my adventure, there were spoofed phone calls from seemingly reputable sources. In his case, it was Apple ostensibly calling about unauthorized access to his account. Unlike me, however, this person lost thousands of dollars, use of his iPhone, and had to basically recreate his digital identity from scratch. His warnings, after relating his story, resonated with my experience and should be heeded.

This brings us to the end of my story. I seriously hope that there will be no Season 2 of this series. I wish I could provide a more meaningful conclusion, e.g., that Federal authorities had investigated and closed down the operation. But as far as I know, they are still out there, trying to cast their evil spell over others. I wish I could tell you the real end game for the entire ruse. For now, I suspect it was a deep mining expedition in order to gather enough background identity information to pull off the kind of serious digital financial theft described by Ryan Pettit in the Time article. As I’ve already qualified: I don’t know for certain.

For you, readers, it is a cautionary tale to basically trust no one online or on the phone whom you don’t contact directly through verified channels—especially in the brave new world of artificial intelligence. Don’t believe what you see on your phone when it awakens you one morning with an unexpected call. Don’t trust logos (like the one you see accompanying this article), agency backgrounds, or badges flashed momentarily on your screen. Be an informed skeptic. You still may fall for a well-told story, but hopefully, that outcome will be less likely.

If anything else follows in my story, I will update you. Otherwise: please watch your digital backs.